Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Better Living Through Chemisty

I hate taking medications.  I hate living in a society that quick fixes everything with a pill.  I think every option should be tried Before taking a quick fix.  Diet, sleep, schedule.. . especially diet. . . affects how we function. 

That said, sometimes medication IS the way to go.  S has been doing radically better on her new medication.  Example:  Three months ago, if I told her "no" she couldn't fill in the blank with any mundane thing you can think of, she would flip out, scream, pout, rage, sometimes for a few weeks, sometimes for a few months.  Because she didn't get her way.  Today, I can tell her no, to any number of questions, and she may get upset, she may yell, but she's over it in a "normal" time span of 10-30 minutes.  Sometimes less.  It's like living with a completely changed person.  Yes, she still annoys me sometimes.  Yes, she still acts inappropriately around her sisters.  Yes, she still breaks the rules.  But now, they're the sort of infractions normal kids make.  They aren't fueled by some uncontrollable rage for weeks and weeks on end. 

This is a GOOD thing.  Now, the problem is this:  N and I have lived SO long, in fear, in distrust, in shame, in crisis, in ANGER, that it's hard, SO hard, to let go of all that negative emotion.  Instead of S's rages, I now have a knee jerk reaction to her minor turmoil.  Because I'm expecting, fearing, a more bizarre, extreme reaction from her, *I* react more strongly than I should.  And I'm having a hard time letting go of my anger.  I have spent 8 years disliking this person I've had to share a home with, that now that she's . . . behaving normally. .. . . . I can't switch it off. 

But we're healing.  Little by little.  We're healing. 


Livia said...

So moving in the right direction, you just have to recognize it. Don't fear the future because of the past--and send her back to high school--because I don't believe in home schooling : )-and that's not what made her so scary anyway. You're getting it under control--just too scared to see it.