Each day I think that I need to write something down, post about what we're doing, but the reality is that I've been in a funk and sometimes even the simple things are hard to get done. I'm depressed. I *know* I'm depressed and if I were a friend of mine, I would tell myself to pull my head out of my butt and get medicated. But I have excuses. My doctor closed her practice and won't reopen for a few months. I don't like the feeling I get when I'm on medication.
I'm overwhelmed.
I have a husband that either has cancer growing in his head again OR brain necrosis, which means that parts of his brain are dying. We'll find out more in February. I have a daughter with emotional and behavioral difficulties that seem so over the top that I don't know how to deal with them. In many ways they've gotten better over the years. But some things have gotten much, MUCH worse. Especially with the onset of puberty. I have a kiddo with a learning disability that just isn't learning. And I feel like a failure because she's not learning, then I feel like a failure because I'm putting my own personal expectations on this child. I've got another daughter that needs physical and speech therapy that we let slide during the holidays, a father constantly in and out of the hospital and a house full of animals that never fail to put their bodily fluids in the one place I've managed to clean. All of these things add up, and when taken together. . . .
Yeah. I'm depressed. But I'm trying to work through it on my own, to come out on the other side. I'm trying to find the blessings in my life. And I know there are many. It just doesn't feel that way sometimes. Sometimes it just feels like a giant "I Suck" fest in my head. And I know I don't. I know I can't compare myself to the mom with two birth children, with no past trauma or malnutrition or illness. And I can't compare MY children to the children that have had every possible advantage from conception till present day. Yet sometimes it's hard not to.
Anyway. Long, depressing rambles are best saved for the delete pile. Which is probably where this will end up by the end of the day.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
The Blahs
Posted by Heather at 9:47 AM
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6 comments:
No need to delete. You are just being real with us ... and life does suck sometimes.
I, too, have a daughter with severe emotional and behavioral issues that are getting worse and not better (after 4 years home). Yes. I believe puberty plays into it at my house, as well.
So sorry to hear about your husband's medical problems again. Can't imagine.
My life is pretty darn crappy right now, as well, and it's hard to get out of bed somedays. I understand depression.
So hard. So sorry.
I'll pray for you.
Laurel
I'm glad it didn't end in the delete pile too. You do know that your readers know something is up when you don't post right?
It's ok girl, everyone feels depressed sometimes, especially this time of year...me included and I didn't even have the guts to really post it. But, I'm like you...we can get through this without medication. Everyone has issues and no perfect life and we are no different. It's going to get better. Hang in there, I'm with you.
Hey, my friend. I hardly ever check any blogs anymore, but always seem to meander over to yours. Glad I did today... You have a massive amount going on right now. I wish your burdens could be lightened, somehow. All I can tell you is that you are loved and have people who are willing to hear you whenever you need to be heard. I love you and cherish you as one of the few people I truly trust. You are a beautiful person and you give so much to so many. Hugs!
Fabu
I just got around to reading blogs and this one happened to be the one that I saw right after the one with Frey's sweet little arm around Nathan. You do have so, so much to feel blessed about. You have three amazing girls, an awesome hubby, two parents who adore you, and lots of friends who are always here for you. I'm so, so sorry for everything in your life that you can't change...Nathan's health being at the top of the list. I'm thankful that you do have the time to make some pretty awesome memories and are really making the most out of the time that you have. Don't stress too much about the girls. They are smart and resilient. The difficulties you are having right now with them will pass. God has a plan for all of you and as long as you all keep your eyes on Him, everything will work out to his glory.
I love you sis. While we both share the fear of losing our husbands, I know this plays a much more "acute" role in your life. My heart breaks at the thought that the damned monster has returned. I hate it! And then being worried about him, but at the same time worried about how you would parent 3 high needs children without him. But I know this...I know that when and if the time comes, you will be a good and effective parent to your girls.
As for medication, I think you should take it if you need it!
Hugs and know I'm thinking of you, friend. Thank you for sharing where you are now. I see you, I hear you. You are not alone.
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