Thursday, January 6, 2011

How to Pee Pee In Public

And no, I'm not talking weeing out in the woods. I'm talking public bathroom ettiquite here. With all of my recent shopping expeditions, I've noticed some less than stellar bathroom behavior by women that SHOULD know better. I mean really.

#1. The courtesy flush. If you do a 2, give a courtesy flush after your first flush. No one, I mean NO ONE wants to play "What did she eat lunch?" when they walk into a stall! Flush the floaties! Seriously! Just turn around, take a gander, make sure everything went down like it's supposed to. Easy peasy.

#2. The noise maker. While I can appreciate, and often share in the joy of a pleasing bladder release, it is not, I repeat it is NOT necessary (or normal) to moan! What is up with that? Have you heard this before? Should I call the police to report some weird bathroom sex or the paramedics because something has gone terribly, terribly wrong in there!?! Do you need help? Should I knock on the door and ask if everyone's alright? Should I call the producers of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant and get some paper towels ready?

#3. The Hover Method. I used to operate my own personal hover craft in public stalls. Thanks to Jen and her tales of 60 mile walks, I now plant my buttocks flesh firmly on the seat. But I'm OK if others aren't as "evolved" as me. ;D My complaint is not the hovering, but the aftermath. For pity's sake, swipe the seat! I'm making a stand! Swipe for all of your butt planting sisters! Do you have any idea the horror one experiences when one's irritable bowl syndrome is acting up, to fly into the bathroom in the nick of time, only to plant ones arse in someone else pee? I gagged just a little thinking about that. AHHHHH! Wipe your privates and wipe the seat. PREFERABLY NOT with the same TP!!!

#4. Aunt Flo. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, refer to rule #3, multiple times if necessary, if your Auntie has come to call!

#5. The Friendly Neighbor. If you just happen to see someone with their skirt tucked into their granny panties, it really, really IS OK if you tap then on the shoulder. While I'm sure most women would prefer you not go willy nilly yanking on their skirts, drastic measures are called for if the tuckee is already exiting!

#6. The Paranoid Parent. Believe me when I tell you that I'm probably one of the most paranoid mom's out there. I watch all the crime shows. I majored in Criminal Justice. My dad represented murderers, rapists, child molesters and drug dealers when he was practicing law. I worked in a prison with mostly sex offenders. I KNOW what can happen to kids. But really? Does your 12 year old son REALLY need to go into the ladies rest room with you? REALLY? And how am I supposed to adjust my boob-age in the mirror with a 12 yo looking on? I'm pretty sure there are laws against that.

#7. The Talker: Dude. Get off the damn phone because you are NOT that important! It's distracting to others who may or may not be trying to focus on making things happen. And I don't want a play by play of your bosses rant/latest date/gynecological exam. TMI when I'm trying to make a pee pee. Really.

These are the modern girls guide to public urination. In a bathroom at least, because I could say a whole lot about peeing outside of the bathroom, but I'll save that for another time. Lets all use these rules to make the world a better, cleaner and more pleasant place.


Family of Five said...

Bwahahahaha! Seriously.

"Should I call the producers of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant and get some paper towels ready?" - I laughed so hard at that that my kids came running over from playing UNO and asked me what was so funny!

Although I am *the* paranoid parent you're talking about - my sons are 6 and 3 so I've got a couple of years left before I feel bad about taking them in with me. Better safe than sorry (and I'll just spring for therapy for them as needed if they happen to see a lady adjusting her boob-age in front of the mirror while we're washing our hands). ;)

And #7? Heck yes! Get off the flipping phone!

Anyway, thanks for the laughes this morning! :)

Family of Five said...


A. Gillispie said...

This is one of so many reasons that I love you! Tell it sista!

Amy said...

Brilliant! :) :) :)

I am a hoverer, but I always make sure to be a sweetie and wipe the seatie. ;)

Love ya!


Mama D's Dozen said...

Hilarious ... but true.

:) :) :)